Deep into the Madness

Sleepy day, sleepy weekend. I'm not sure what's up with that. Very...sleepy. I think I lost my momentum, and the trip to NJ finally hit me. I really didn't sleep then. One would almost think I tired not to sleep. So maybe that's why it's been such a sleepy weekend.

I've still been working on Guilty Gear Isuka, but I'd really like for X2 #Reload to get here, as it's much more...typical of the series. Although it doesn't have A.B.A...which sucks.

Now I'm considering a bike ride down to the mall/surrounding stores, not really for anything in particular, just to get out somewhere. It's a good route, and I could use some outdoors. I've really been considering picking up a PSP, and there are several games I'd like for one, but at the moment I just can't afford it...this is life. Hopefully the price'll drop when the new PSP comes out and I can pick up a used, extra-cheap old PSP for a little under $100. That'd be kinda sweet.

I'm really looking forward to Mike and Sara's approaching visit. Like, a lot. A whole lot.

I was gonna go to Games Workshop this weekend, but I just felt so tired and crappy the whole time, I didn't bother. That and my massive social phobia. But mostly the being tired part, I'm sure.

Holy friggen crap, this CARD405 class (CAReer Development 405) is worse than I ever thought. The professor is almost insufferable. Ugh!

Onto the bright side, Mike & Sara are coming down IN ONE WEEEEEEEEEK! I'm quite excited about this, in case you didn't get that from the above. Like, very excited.

Also, Guilty Gear Isuka came in yesterday, and tonight I'll stop by Radio Shack to pick up a second USB Controller to allow for 2 player awesomeness! (Although really it goes up to 4 players). It's a bit different than the others I'd played, but it's good. The most annoying part is that there's a "turn around" button, which is needed in 3- or 4-player matches, but it'd be nice if it automatically turned in 1 on 1. Also, there are two planes of combat, which is cool I guess.

And finally...I'm out.

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[link]

So, as it happens, life hasn't changed much. Same old same old, but as it happens I'm relaxed and things are going well. Mike Sovey moved into our place, Team Playground's been doing things with an RPG idea, the Testing Center is the usual, and I haven't stopped working for VG Ware Tech, so that's still coming along. Speaking of, my first game is almost done, and I've got a great idea for a second game. More on that as it happens.

First and foremost, I'm stoked for the delivery of the most recent, kinda-old game I ordered: Guilty Gear X2 #Reload. I also ordered Guilty Gear Isuka. Both of them will run on my laptop, and I can pick up a second USB Gamepad, allowing me to do the amazing: Play Guilty Gear anywhere with anyone so long as I have my laptop! I'm kinda pumped.

The extortionists over at Staple's also squeezed $40 out of me for new wheels for my desk chair, as one of them broke and the price for replacements are ridiculous. Bastards, selling cheap-ass will-break wheels on the chairs so I have to buy replacements.

Oh, and Roxy's back from the dead. Or actually from Iran and Texas. So that's cool. I wasn't really worried, I just figured she was off doing something interesting. Which she was.

Looking forward to Saturday, gonna go down to Games Workshop and play some Warhammer! I'm stoked!

And that is, about, that. Enjoy the nachos.

This 4th of July evening was a fated encounter, something I couldn't have escaped from no matter how I tried. Not that I wanted to, but it had to happen.

Mike, Sara and I went to Sea Isle to watch the fireworks there. As it happened, Nick was going to Decredico's beach-front arcade to hang out and watch the fireworks as well, which happened to be on 43rd street of Sea Isle, around where we were to end up. We parked six cars ahead of Nick, and walked the same three miles he did. Along the way he called me, and told me to call him when we got to 43rd. So I did. He instructed me on getting up to the balcony; a transformer behind the arcade had been blown out by a rogue firework, and the power was out. So, we went on up and chilled with them.

Those answers I sought, they were present. They came in through the event, and afterward.

It was amazing, the entire thing felt like deja vu. Like it was scripted. I guess life's like that sometimes.

Well, it's been a week since I've been here (longer, actually, a week was last night) and I've gotta say, I've been having a great time with friends and family. I call these folks "the best people ever" for a reason. They are. Sorry all of you guys who aren't them.

In a nutshell: I've played several games of Warhammer with my (apparently pretty awesome with the addition of the Flesh Hounds) Daemons army, which has kicked ass, winning both full games it's been in (one with Brett's Warriors of Chaos as an ally against Mike, one just Mike and I), although it did lose a small (200 pt) story-driven skirmish game Brett and I played. I've been here and there, but not nowhere besides my dad's house, my mom's houses (both new and current), Sara's place, Brett's place and Wawa, and of course all roadways in between. We took my dad out for Father's Day to Sakura's, although the first debit card I handed them was denied...but at least the second worked. We had Father's Day brunch with my mom's family, and tomorrow a similar bunch will be at Nick's Graduation Party. I've been generally relaxed and happy.

The biggest thing I hoped to accomplish coming home was to find the answers. I didn't even know to what at first, I just knew there was something I needed to know. Ever get that feeling? Well, turns out I need to know what I want to do with myself, how I want to end up. And I have a whole week ahead of me (more actually) to decide. So, here's to hoping that goes well.

Now to stop wasting time writing about life on the internet and, instead, start living it.

Step 1: Read the most recent FML. It must contain a fairly obvious implied element.

Step 2: Make the obvious assumption based on what is implied, and post a response mentioning it.

Congratulations! You have trolled FML.

I'm leaving for my summer break tonight at 5:00 PM, work ending at 3. Same schedule as last time, but this time I'll have cash to buy my ticket on the train. Hopefully all will go well. I've brought my warhammer army, my Daemons, so we can get a game on, and I bought my brother a Big Dumb Red Cup, as planned, so all is well. Also have with me my lappy and the mactop, all of my vital tech and some entertainment for the trip. My last summer break, ever maybe. When I get back it becomes the final stretch, the last pull, the final bought, my Senior "year."

And then, there is nothing.

Hearing and thinking about graduation makes me nervous. The same kind of nervousness as finishing a project. As thinking of the future in general. I was once so prepared, but now...now I'm lost.

I've decided for sure that I'm going to GDC next year, and fuck everyone else. When I cash those bonds I'll take out $600 or so and put it in an envelope, Sharpie "GDC" on the front and stuff it under my mattress until the time comes. I want to go there, and fuck responsibility, commitment and reason, I'm doing it.

Actually, from an objective position going to GDC could be very beneficial to me. The networking opportunities could prove vital, and I may even find a career out there. It's a gamble, but a worthwhile one. So yay for doing the smart and fun thing.

Then there's Mike. He, apparently, decided he's not ready to get married again, so the wedding's been called off again, and I'm sure Sara is quite a bit more upset by it than she lets on again. And I'm really considering buying the man some slippers for his damn cold feet. If Christie and I were still together, I'd be proposing to her this summer, scheduling the wedding for next summer when we would both have been graduated. End. Of. Story.

Now, don't take the above the wrong way, I love Mike like he's my friggen brother, I'm just concerned for him. I can see that Sara is good for him, and I think he's good for her as well, and I just think it'd be a real shame to see him lose someone like her because of this. I donno, maybe I don't know the whole story or something...I'll be talking to him about it, that's for sure. I was all hyped up to give a speech and plan a bachelor party and everything...I even picked out the strippers! But oh well, we'll just have to sit back and wait to see how it goes.

I feel like I'm falling.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate thinking? I've been thinking about people, life and things. I've been thinking about God. I've been thinking about relationships, about women. I've been thinking about love, and sometimes how "true love" may be nothing more than a pane of glass between you and actual happiness. I've been thinking about holding someone close at night, falling asleep with her in my arms.

The only two times that I have ever felt like everything was completely alright with everything in the entire would were the hours before each time Christie left me. Well, we went "on break" one of those times...it amounts to the same thing. I wonder if that means something? If that means that I wasn't meant to be with her. Why would anyone assume someone is meant to be happy?

I think this time back home will help me. Will soothe my mind, my fractured thoughts and strings of false reason. Will give me a chance to break down my actual problems, subconsciously, and reach a solution. Maybe.

Maybe it's time to say "Fuck plans, fuck work, fuck everything." Maybe it's time to go out and actually have some fun.

This past session, I did very well in my classes. But I never hit the bump, the end-of-session "Oh shit, I still have everything to do and no time!" I did it all, in time, in the correct timeframe, and now it doesn't feel like I'm done. And these classes, well the math one anyway, was hard! But I got it all worked out like an orchestral piece, harmoniously with the rest of my jaded life.

And now what?

I've come to realize that the world will not end. By design it won't. That would be too easy. Everyone wants an easy way out, and that would be far too easy. We won't all die because if we did, we'd all be off the hook, freed from the chains of our commitments.

And dem chains be rat'lin.

So, being as I hadn't heard from her in literal months, I sent a text to Roxy today asking if she'd phased out of this plane and ended up on another where she had zany adventures with a talking dog or something. Turns out the latter.

See, I'd begun to think she had never actually existed, but when I saw her on my buddy list (under "Offline" of course) I decided she had to be real - computers don't lie. But it's the response I got from her which leads to this entry. She said, "Back from Iran. Cannot get in touch with cousin, at the protest with the sheeting and tear gas and police beatings. Rather preoccupied. Thanks for asking .:Hug:."

Now, I'd know she was going to Iran, she'd said that, and I kinda figured that's why she hadn't existed for a while. It's the rest that has me curious, mostly about whether she's involved in the protests (she's the type that would be involved in protests) or if she's just trying to reach someone who is. Either way I'm not gonna bother her to ask.

Some people lead such interesting lives, I swear...

The past two nights I've had fairly awesome dreams. Here goes...

Two nights ago I dreampt that I had a pair of rocket roller-blades, much like in Jet Set Radio, and that I was grinding around DC JSR-style tagging buildings, walls,etc. After spending a while doing some generally awesome stuff, I met up with Dom, who happened to have the powers of that guy from Infamous (electricity and stuff)...so he could grind on rails with his electricity because for some reason that makes sense in that game. So we both started grinding around DC and stuff...and we were singing something.

And just before I woke up this morning I was dreaming about being at an inner-city shooting range. It was in a lot with a large brick wall behind it and targets placed in china cabinets, like the hutch back at my dad's place. The woman who was running it was fairly attractive, and almost looked like a more gothy version of the lady from the Progressive commercials. She was wearing a black hoodie (with some design I don't recall) unzipped over a white/blue horizontal-striped shirt and some black pants with like...metal studs or something. And some of the other people shooting at the targets were wearing motorcycle helmets. Anyway, she came over to me to tell me that the target I was shooting at was made of solid brass, and would apparently reflect the .22 bullets I was shooting, and if I wanted to continue shooting at this target I'd need to use a larger round, for safety. I told her I had a gun which shot a larger round and proceeded to remove from my backpack a BASniR, which is to say a Big Ass Sniper Rifle, which is a concept Brett and I came up with years ago when working together on the Odd Mods Team, except this was a more compact version, one which could be expanded out before being used. It also used a 3-round clip, which, considering it fires tank shells, is a lot. I shot the target, and the explosion destroyed the wall behind it and everything. Everyone ran for their lives and I laughed manically.

It's that time again: I want a Wacom Tablet. Specifically this one. Mostly because it's got some pretty good reviews and is CHEAP. $55 total, shipping and everything, isn't a half bad deal. But at the moment I'm looking at a lot of bills in a short time, and (surprisingly only) because of that I can't afford it. Which is fine, it's not something I need anyway. I just miss drawing, and I've begun to think that the only reason I don't draw anymore is because I can't do it on a computer. Which, in a way, kinda figures, and is in a way depressing.

I just finished (an hour ago) Team Playground's site which should have been done months ago. Leo made the logo, and it's pretty sweet. The rest is pretty much me. And it's kindasorta crappy at the moment, I'm waiting for feedback before refining it. Speaking of feedback...any thoughts? Anonymous commenting is still on y'know.

So, in one week and three hours(ish) I'll be headed back to Jersey for my second and final summer break before I'm done with school - maybe for good. Almost hopefully for good. I've had about enough of this whole "Education" thing, I want to learn and grow professionally for once. I want to be exposed to new, meaningful and practical challenges, working with other skilled coders and development teams in a real workplace. I want to go out and do what I want to do - program! Learning about it is all well and good, but I learn by doing, and classes just don't expose me to enough new challenges quickly enough to keep my interest (and that's saying something, considering DeVry's ultra-fast-paced class schedule).

But graduating still looks like falling off a cliff.

Good news everyone! Good in a "not really for me, but good to know" kinda way. I was excited to hear, know and see real proof that

Tom Jordan is NO LONGER vanilla white-bread

officially and for surely. And now that I've ruined your day by informing you of that (or else confused you because you don't know to what I'm referring), let me move on to recent happenings.

I have decided, once and for all, that I am fat. Not just fat, too fat. I do not want jowls, and I have come uncomfortable close to them. So, it's time to do something about it. I guess regular exercise and some honest dieting are in order.

In a way it's a lot like my room: I let it get really bad, then I cleaned the whole thing in a day. Although I assume this will take longer than a day. And much like my room, once it's gotten bad and been fixed, I intend to maintain the newly created state once it is complete. I can't say I look forward to this kinda thing, but it has to be done, and I've slacked off for far too long.

I'll be going home for summer at the end of next week, and that leaves me with a lot of bills to pay in a short time. Rent, electric, and I just sent out water, and without the usual paychecks in between them. Then there's the train tickets to get home, and to account for the time I won't be working (in the Testing Center only, I will still be working-from-home at the other place), and this will be a pretty effective shot below the belt financially. But I did the math, and I can do it. And with Sovey moving in the end of this month, next month's rent will be a little cheaper, which is good.

Speaking of, looking forward to going home again. Mike and Sara have been posting pretty amazing videos on Facebook, and it's making me miss hanging out with them. And I haven't heard from Brett in a while, but last I did he wanted my to get my daemons up there over break...and I'd really like to. So I'll try.

Ugh...Tom and I were ranting this morning about how fucking hard it is to meet people! At least I'm not the only one who sees it. I'll have to do something about that, too.

Today's been productive. I've gotten my room pretty squared away, with the only outstanding issues being the tops of the dresser/nightstand and a need form some hangars. With any luck I'll get out tomorrow to get some hangars, then I'll be set. I don't know exactly when Sovey will be moving in, but the room is ready! I think he brought some of his stuff over yesterday, actually.

In addition to that, I've gotten a bit of homework out of the way, which is good. Not to say there isn't still plenty to do, but there's always plenty to do...I'll get it done. I've officially decided to put off the proposal until tomorrow, as I simply don't want to do it right now.

So, I was considering what to do, and I've decided the best course of action may be more programming! Although part of my doesn't want to deal with the nonsense-error I'm getting now, most of my wants to dive on in, and has all day. I spent a good portion of yesterday working on this, and I got really into it. A few minor setbacks won't stop me!

I noticed something though...I really haven't grown as a programmer in a while. I mean, I know what I can do, and I can do a whole lot, but there's still a lot I've never been exposed to, and I want to try it. I want to learn something new. Hell, most of the classes I've had at DeVry lately have been either teaching me things I already knew, or teaching me how to use an API, which, while useful, is easy enough to learn without formal instruction. I want some fresh meat, some concepts I've never touched on before, some coding experience I've never before had. Shaders, rendering functions, BSP, something! I'm hungry dammit!

So hungry for new, interesting ideas I've turned to quantum physics. It's full of 'em. And, in a way, I like 'em. It's interesting to think about how meatspace (defined) works, although in a way less practical: I can't manipulate the properties of sub-atomic particles nearly as precisely as I can those of digital structures. Still, it interests me in the same way I've always been interested in how things work, and so when I'm hungry for new ideas it's a pretty safe bet.

Jason's my favorite person to talk theoretical physics with, too. Tom and I can maintain a thoughtful, insightful and often entertaining discussion on the topic for quite a while, but Jason, he's far more amusing. It's almost like he's scared by ideas which are too far outside of his perception of reality - a lot like Fish reacts to being shot with a Nerf dart, or the mention of evolution.

My brother and I were talking last night. It seems he and I are a lot alike. It's kind of a shame though, because I know what he's going through and that it sucks. With any luck one of us will find the answer, and then we'll be able to tell the other. Hopefully.

It's raining. It's been raining. Rain rain rain. Last night, I rode my bike home in the rain. I saw a turtle, a big one, who was, unfortunately, on the sidewalk, and I had to hope the curb to avoid him.

It was pouring.

I was riding a narrow bit of sidewalk, fence on one side, shrubs on the other, enough space for a person to step off, but not nearly enough for a bike. My glasses we covered in water and unusable, and my eyes are almost useless on their own. I had my bike's headlight on, as always at night. I could see maybe 20 feet in front of me. I passed two people who'd been walking the other way at different point along this stretch, and both of them easily saw me coming and stepped aside to let me pass before I'd even seen them. I thanked them both.

I was almost out of the stretch when I see, over my glasses, in the pouring rain, a woman walking towards me. Shit. I shouted something like "hey" or "watch out," hoping they'd move, and I hit the breaks. The wet, useless breaks which didn't slow me down at all. She hasn't moved either, so I do all I can to minimize the damage - I swerved enough to the right to only hit her with the handlebar. It hit her arm, I went careening off like I knew I would, she got knocked back but was still on her feet. I know how to hit a person almost as well as I know how to fall. I managed to keep control and stop the bike a couple feet past her. I, without getting off, asked "Are you alright?" She said "NO!" in that infuriating way women say "no" which means "yes, physically, but I'm pissed." I told her "I'm sorry, you should have moved" and rode off.

I mean, I had a fucking headlight. There is no way you could've not seen me coming. If you had a light on your head, I'd've seen you too! I've never hit a car. They have headlights, and I can see them. But you didn't, so I didn't. And I was *this close* to calling her a stupid bitch. But I didn't, the master of self-control I am.

I made it home, soaked from the rain, changed, got a call from Hannah, and hit the sack.

I had the strangest, most disturbing dream I've had in a while last night. It was very dark. I was in Saw V, but it was real. The old guy had two people handing from bars, like they were doing pull-ups, one of whom was upside-down, over a large pit with a birdhouse-looking contraption below them which contained 18 bears. It was horrifying. The woman had a pair of scissors which had one handle, but 7 sets of blades. She had a man suspension-bondage-style above a pit of...something...which was bad. I don't remember now. Everything was lit very dramatically, with dark shadows encompassing entire rooms sometimes.

We were in a house. And old house on a swamp. In a swamp. There was a monster in the house. The monster was only a pair of arms, but it appeared out of around corners and behind furniture, out of the shadows, and it had an automatic stabber thing. It was like a knife which jabbed constantly. It could tear things to shreds, very graphically. There were two little dogs chained to a wall, and a dark-haired, 40-year-old woman I didn't recognize. They were her dogs, and she was trying to get the unchained when the arms appeared from around the corners, missed her but stabbed the dogs to pieces. She leaped back, screaming and crying, and fell into an old chair. The arms burst from behind the chair and stabbed her and stabbed her. She screamed, bled everywhere, and was eventually strips of bloody meat blanketing the chair. I ran.

I don't remember everything that happened now, but at one point I got out. Then I got a call on a phone I had found on myself when I arrived and told that if I didn't return to the house, my friends would be put inside. So I went back. The police came, and a detective, when I was near the entrance, and I told them they couldn't go in, the house didn't like them and that they'd die. They died. All of them. It was terrible to watch, too.

The men on the bars eventually dropped and got mauled to death by bears, and the other man stayed where he was while the woman cut pieces of him off with the weird scissors.

What a night.

I've been listening to Green Day's new album, 21st Century Breakdown, and I have to say, I'm impressed. This is much better, musically and otherwise, than American Idiot, which I felt had too few upbeat songs and was borderline soft-rock most of the time (although American Idiot, Holiday, and the last two songs were pretty good). This one is good throughout, and not nearly as preachy. The fact that they broke it into three "Acts" is pretty prestigious, but that doesn't really effect me while I'm listening to it, so I can get past that. On the same note though, I think the entire album could be summed up as "prestigious punk-rock opera," but at heart it's Green Day's usual message of drugs, self-destruction and lost love, and the individual songs are all very well composed, both on their own and as a whole. The album fits together like a puzzle, and although the overall story isn't exactly clear, it is definitely present. Best songs on the album: Before the Lobotomy, East Jesus Nowhere, and Peacemaker. Honorable Mention: 21 Guns.

While I was on the train last night I had an interesting cocktail of thoughts in my overflowing brain, a combination of the people around me, the music I was listening to, the places I'd just been, and my severe sleep deprivation. You see, I'd just been to New Jersey for the weekend. As it happens, I got in Friday night and crashed, Saturday I went out with my mom and grandparents to breakfast, then saw my mom's house (she bought a house, I think I've mentioned that), then had dinner with my dad, then went over to Brett's to chill with him, Mike and Sara. Although I should have stayed there until only 10 or so to ensure I got enough sleep for Sunday, I stayed until midnight, and it was well worth it. I miss those guys. Sunday I got up at 4 to go to Dover for the Nascar race, and then I boarded a train in Wilmington. The race was very good, and I enjoyed spending time with my dad.

But onto the meaninglessness that I thought during the train ride home...

---
It's been months since I've even heard from you, and I know you don't have the time for me. I know you're a mother now, a mother to no doubt the most beautiful child on this Earth. I don't know if you're happy, but I hope you are. I don't know if you're healthy, if you're well, if you're satisfied, if you have enough, if you need, but I pray for you every night, like I have for years, and I'm sure that helps. I just wish I could know.

Life is a lot like this train...I'm speeding forward but facing backward, I only vaguely know where I'm going, and once I get there I don't really know what I'm going to do. I already miss where I'm coming from, the people there, and I doubt any amount of distance will make that stop.
---

I almost just threw that part out, but I guess it really does summarize how I've been feeling for a while.

I don't read the news a lot. I really don't. And it's intentional - three days ago it's about the racist Obama appointed to the Supreme Court, before that it's full-on panic over swine flu, something about our turning-fascist government firing private business leaders and transferring their preferred stock in banks to common stock, and therefore gaining majority voting rights...it's just depressing. But today, finally, a step in the right direction: Students in University of Chicago have started an origination, Men in Power, making the first exclusively pro-male organization I've ever heard of, and probably since the start of the feminist movement.

Of course, for every step in the right direction there're some nutjobs telling vets that their military-supporting bumper-stickers are offensive, and an even more idiotic organization to validate their claim, but at least there is some good...right?

But seriously, if you think this is misogynistic bigotry, read about the organization. Women, blacks, and every other "minority" have had groups like this helping them along for decades, it's about damn time a "majority" had one of its own. Tell me I'm wrong.

And, for the record, I've been sitting here rambling to myself about society for a while. Just click the "politics" tag, you'll see. It's about bloody time you open your eyes people, or this house of cards we've been building will collapse.

A few days ago, I'd had it. Just had it. The ASB had been doing nothing at all for weeks, and I was gonna get this moving - with or without regular meetings. So, as I'd discussed (briefly, but discussed) with the only other attending member at our last meeting, I began looking for an artist to commission for our logo. Now, I'm sure I could have punched into Google "logo commission artist" or something, but instead I decided to go with someone I knew was good at digital art, and someone I was confident would make an awesome logo with the tiny tiny tiny amount of description I would be able to provide: Sara. And this was sound reasoning: the logos she's made are fantastic. But now I've got this horrible feeling regarding what they say about involving friends in business - y'see, I don't know how much artists charge for commissions, and I'm not about to commission a friend on expected grace. Not to say that I don't think they wouldn't just do me a favor, but I wouldn't ask. Anyway, I don't know what artists usually charge for commissions, and so I asked what she thought was fair...and she said she didn't know either. So, I looked around online and found a pretty consistent number, and made an offer to match - thing is, I'm now kinda worried it was...like...insultingly low or something. I mean, I really don't know the slightest thing about it. Also there's the whole legal mess...ugh. But hopefully she'd tell me if I was being a jerk...

Oh, and on top of that worry, I already feel I'm screwing her and Mike over, not just because I can't make their engagement party next weekend, but because on top of that I'm going back to New Jersey this weekend.

I mean, I can only afford to come home because my dad's paying for the tickets because he really wants me to come with he and his brother to Dover for the Nascar race, but still...I feel like I'm being a giant cunt. If I made a little more than piss I could probably do it, but having to spend around $100 in a month to go home for summer, I really can't afford it.

...and no matter how true that continues to be, it still feels like an excuse.

I just feel so backwards.

Stemming from the roots of last night's slumber-induced hallucinations, I ask you this: Where are you going? I had another one of those dreams where I'm lost in a maze of dimly-lit hallways, running from something, turning left and right and looking back to check behind me - there's never anything there. Eventually I end up in a room full of cubicles, arranged erratically with the dim glow of the computer monitors providing the only light. I run and I run through the endless sea of cubes, but I don't know where I'm going, and only vaguely of what I'm running from. It is unsettling that this has happened several times over the course of the last few weeks.

Does anyone recall that old post I made back in November? The one where I described seeing my future self in the reflection of a darkened metro window? I still fear that's where I'm headed. I thought I'd derailed it, I thought I'd changed my track, but it appears as though I haven't. I thought dating someone would change it, but apparently it didn't. I look towards the future and I see all of the nothing I'll become if I don't change something...I just don't know what, or how.

This weekend I plan to practice my bass, learn some scales, learn some cool walking basslines...cleanr my room so Sovey can move in. Nothing big, nothing revolutionary.

Maybe I'm just doomed.

This Thursday is a lot like a Tuesday, but less intense. I still got to DeVry by 10, although without ASB Obligations. I simply sat in the office and did homework, talked with anyone who swung by, etc, while Tom slept on the chair. I do what I can to keep the office open in hopes that it will eventually catch on as a hang-out, but it's variable status kinda makes that hard to do. I wonder if we can hire someone to just chill in there and stuff...hmm.

In addition, I got a banana coffee from 7 Eleven again. I love that stuff. Holy crap do it. I decided the other week that coffee was the love of my life, and she's never been better than when she's banana.

Here's a random quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle which I feel is pretty right-on:

"A pissant is somebody who thinks he’s so damn smart, he never can keep his mouth shut. No matter what anybody says, he’s got to argue with it. You say you like something, and, by God, he’ll tell you why you’re wrong to like it. A pissant does his best to make you feel like a boob all the time. No matter what you say, he knows better."

I think I might add that one to the "Douchebag" list, but it's not really an assumption...I may have to reword it to work it in there.

And that's that. Tomorrow is Friday and then the horrible, dull, work-ridden weekend of nothing to do because I have no social life. Oh, and D&D tomorrow night. Should be fun, the party can finally finish the -

Oh wait. No D&D tomorrow night, as Tom'll be at prom. I'll have to work that out with him and the guys. Maybe I can be Kazzak for the session, or else we do it Saturday.

And now that's that.

Been listening to System of a Down a lot lately, and they're pretty alright.