Deep into the Madness

Y'know, technology and the internet have changed a lot of things (a good deal of them for the worse), but I never thought I'd see the day that the President of the United States of America would have a facebook. I mean, I guess it really does make sense in a way, it's a good way to reach the masses, but really? Really? I just don't think that's appropriate. Maybe it's just me...I still try to think that our leaders aren't just the same schmucks who work at fast food joints but in suits and with more money.

I got back from my Thanksgiving break yesterday. I took a whole week off - called out of work and everything. It's something that's next-to unheard of for me to do. I needed it. I needed it for more than just to see people and have fun. I needed to think. And I did.

I'm not really sure what I want to do or where I want to go from here. Whereas last time I had a plan, my foundations for said plan have since been crumbled and I'm left with nothing but myself. Do I want to live here? Move back to Jersey? Move to CA? Do I want to code? Do I want to pursue something else? Why?

Well, I sadly don't know. I guess I'll stay here and try to get a job coding...it can't hurt. But I don't think I'll chain myself down. Maybe, in a few years, if the guys end up moving to Washington like they say, I'll go out there too. Or maybe I won't find a job, and I'll move back to Jersey. Or maybe I'll die tomorrow. Y'know, it could happen.

But, I have found some peace. I don't know if they know it, but one night at Sara's the guys really showed me how we all flow together, how all of our strands of life are tied and criss-crossed...how, no matter what I do, it'll be okay. I want to hold this peace, to keep it, because I feel much better about everything while embracing it.

So, I'm a changed man? I donno, maybe.

Wow, this one again? I think I posted about this a big ago. Damn shame it's still such an issue, I had really thought that, after experiencing what I have at DeVry and in the metro DC area, society had moved past this. I guess some folks are still being petty.

But this time, I'm going to keep this focused on video games. Specifically, let's talk about the emerging trend of black enemies in video games.

In Resident Evil 5, Christ Redfield (from RE1) is fighting an outbreak much like the one that happened in Spain which Leon dealt with in RE4, and so, naturally, the majority of the enemies were black. I haven't ever been to Africa myself, but I'll believe everyone that the majority of Africans are black. But, despite this, the game caused all kinds of stir for being "racist."

Here's what I think: Maybe, because the developers were comfortable enough to include black enemies in their game at all, it shows that society has become more accepting of racial diversity, and that setting the game in Africa showed progress and not racism.

Think about it. Was there a single black enemy in any of the other Resident Evil games? Was there even a single black NPC? I can't think of one. But now, for some reason, there are. What does that say?

How about Left 4 Dead 2, which was mentioned. It also has a variety of races represented in its repertoire of zombies. Again, something the previous game did not have.

Developers have become confident that the public is ready to accept killing black people and white people, to accept people of other races in every light, good and bad. Confident enough to act on it. Confident enough to risk losing millions of dollars over it. And what does this say?

I think it says that society has become more accepting of racial diversity - it will now accept killing people of every race.

Sure, there are some who feel differently. Everyone resists advancement at some point, when it's perceived to not favor them. And, in time, their cries of objection will become silent as they realize that they are objecting to progress, and not to hatred.

Vampire Nighthawk, first released in the newest Magic: The Gathering expansion "Zendikar," is a 2/3 flying, deathtouch, lifelink for {1}{B}{B}. No, I'm not joking.

Fuck.
That.
Overpowered.
Bullshit.
Card.

And here's why:
There are only four other cards with a power of 2 or greater (one has a power 3) who also have unconditional deathtouch. They cost 5, 4, {U}{B}{R}, and 5 or 2 and an elf respectively. None of them have other abilities, with the exception of Kederekt Creeper, who cannot be blocked by only on creature. And what does that mean? It means Nighhawk is now the best creature with deathtouch. Hands down.

But wait, there's more.
He's a vampire. Specifically planned for vampire decks. By the designers of the game. They mention this in an article on their site. And that means they planned him to chill with Vampire Nocturnus. Because a 5/5 with those abilities isn't lame at all.

And the finisher:
He's uncommon.

Maybe, maybe if he was rare, or mythic even, he would be more balanced. At least then everybody wouldn't have one. But that doesn't solve the problem, that doesn't stop the tournament players. If he had one less ability - if he didn't have lifelink - he would still be overpowered, but he wouldn't be outright broken. If he didn't have deathtouch he'd be fair. If he was a 2/3 flier for 3, he's be good. But they made him two levels past good; they made him broken.

I remember years ago, during the block before Mirrodin, I used to think Wizards had it all charted out: this ability added this to the mana cost. This power and this toughness cost this. It was all fair and balanced because of their genius system. And, sure, sometimes they made cards which bent the rules - some cards had to be better than others - but it was never anything extreme. It was never anything horrid.

Then, in Mirrodin, they introduced "affinity," which I may also refer to as "artifacts are free," and I questioned it. But they had plenty of artifact removal, and yeah it was near-impossible to actually beat that affinity deck, but it was still within the realm of fairness. It was still "okay." It was lame, but it wasn't horrible.

And Skullclamp? That happens. It's cool. You guys didn't do that on purpose. I didn't see it the first time I saw the card either.

But this? You guys planned this. You admitted to it! And, with that, I am disappointed.

I've read this and that about Brutal Legend, Double Fine's newest masterpiece, and I have to say I don't see what everyone is talking about. Most of the complaints have been about the RTS-like portions of the game, and how commanding troops while battling alongside them and tearing through awesome solos all at once is unenjoyable or difficult. To this I say: PAH!

Tim Schafer, game design genius and writer extraordinaire, has all but revolutionized the genre of 3rd person action/adventure games, and you are all too blind to see it! When I first saw Eddie Riggs on the front line, battling alongside his men, I thought "this is the evolution of this genre, this is the next step in action/adventure games." There is no other way to make a battle as epic as making it huge. The more combatants, the better, and while the player should play a leadership role, why deprive them of the action? By letting you command your troops you avoid the clusterfuck of massive battles dictated by AI, which often feel scripted and like you have no control. The RTSishness of the resource collection and troop creation serve to add dynamic objectives and customization to the battles more than they redefine the genre of the game. Sure, you could fly around the entire battle directing your troops, but that'd be missing half the fun of it, and you'd be depriving your army of the most valuable member: you.

How about shredding guitar solos during combat? Yeah, you open yourself up for a few blows, but they're worth it, and it only serves to add challenge to the game. It adds fun. And that's what games are about.

The fact that Mr. Schafer had to write a letter explaining how to play the game shows how closed-minded gamers have become. Gamers would rather sit through another 5-hour cover-based greyish-brown console-FPS-sequel than play an exciting, innovative and downright fun game. In this kind of a market, it's no wonder why there are so many identical bullshit game clones. It's depressing.

And I didn't even mention how damn metal Brutal Legend is, which makes up easily for the game's only flaw: no jump button.

I couldn't sleep last night. I would pass out for about a half hour, then wake up and toss and turn for an hour or so, images of a horrible, burned and blistered man with a bald head and large black leather gloves. I don't know what was happening in my mind last night, but I do know that today I'm subsisting entirely on coffee and willpower.

My bike is again out of commission. The back wheel is bent, probably from running off a curb too fast or something. God only knows why, but it is. I don't have the money to fix it now, but I will on Friday, so come Friday I will have it fixed. It's at the metro at present, and I don't plan on moving it because riding it will only worsen the problem and it's much closer to repair where it is.

And finally, I've been thinking of getting back into a trading card game for quite a while now, and I think it's going to be Magic the Gathering. The game's been around forever, I have a slew of old cards, and I kinda enjoy playing that sort of game with friends. Shut up, I don't have to impress you.

Not much has been happening, and I haven't been writing much about it. Let's recap:

I got a migraine on the 28th that was bad enough to make me leave work early (5 whole hours early) to rest. It sucked. This coming paycheck is also gonna suck.

Got a water bill that was $200 over the normal, haven't gotten through to the water company yet.

Picked up a Wacom tablet (a bamboo fun) for only $10ish. I used two gift cards and got it at a sale price, and get this: I use in-store pickup (got this from BestBuy), and when I went there they said they didn't have the black model I had ordered, which was fine, the color didn't really matter (the black one was the one on sale), so they gave me a different model. I didn't realize until I got home they'd given me a medium-sized one instead of a small-sized one like I'd ordered. Booyah!

SpaceFighter's lite version is still not released, as Apple apparently objects to mentioning content available in only the full version (how's that work?).

Saw Inglourious Basterds, it was awesome. Double awesome, actually. Go watch it now.

Got through exams with little difficulty.

That is that I guess. New session, new classes, one semester do go after this.

Oh, and Team Playground...okay. I guess that is all.

I had the most peculiar dream last night. I dreampt that my mom and I were at an auto lot, and I had brought in that old Ford Taurus which my mom had sold to me, that I had gotten tags for, and that I had to leave to rot until when I finally was about to get a license and have a car, it was undrivable. I mentioned to my mom that this thing wasn't worth $4,500, but hell, it was coming out of my taxes anyway, so I might as well get the money back. I was, of course, talking of Cash for Clunkers, which is exactly how I traded it in. I got a Mercury something, and it was fairly affordable with my share of the clunkers money. My mom had asked me why I said it was my money, and I explained how the money for the program came out of our taxes and was basically the redistribution of wealth, and how I was taking my share back. I drove off the lot and followed my mom back to, strangely enough, my dad's house.

Nick and Sasha were waiting there on the porch. Nick and Mom drove over to her house while I was to walk Sasha. After looking around to see if I could find my dad, who turned out to not be home, I walked Sasha down the street to my mom's old, rented house on Church Rd, which, in my dream, was her new house. When I got there she asked why I'd let Sasha walk there on her own, and presenting the rascal at the end of the leash I noted that I hadn't, that I'd just walked her. Nick and I played with her for a bit, then I went inside, where mom seemed a bit perplexed about having sworn she saw Sasha around before I got here. She showed me the house, which I haven't been to since she started working on it, and explained to me what they'd done, most of which I could point out, when, at one point as she passed the door, I saw what appeared to be my mom enter, this time instead of wearing a bright purple shirt she was wearing her snoopy hoodie and sunglasses. I looked and could see both of them, one still showing me around the house, the other slowly, ominously following her. The second one didn't look happy. I wondered if the house was haunted, if there really had been a second Sasha here earlier. I followed my mom around the house as she kept showing me the work they'd put into it, and the other of my mom kept following us, the same grimace on her face, never removing the sunglasses. When the tour was done I couldn't spot the sunglasses-wearing version of my mom, and Nick called me outside. He asked if I'd like to stay here for a while, that Mom had told him to ask me to stay a few days with her. I said sure, and I woke up.

Last I talked to my mom she didn't seem happy. It was Saturday night, I guess. I don't know what was bothering her, but it sounded unlike her. It wasn't like when I talk to my dad and he sounds unhappy...it was more urgent than that. She insisted nothing was wrong, but I guess I've been kind of worried.

A song popped into my head while we were standing around the kitchen as Jason was cooking. It went a little like this:

Books, books, they're good for your brain
The more you read, the more knowledge you gain
The more knowledge you gain, the smarter you are
So visit your library near or far

The song stems from back in the day, when I was in 1st grade or something. My mom and I came up with it for some contest the library was doing, and it won. I don't remember what I won, but I was so happy. My mom said that, that I was so happy. Y'know, I really was.

It makes me think of something I saw on PostSecret a but ago. It said this:

When I was 7, I wanted to grow up to be a Ghostbuster.
[ photograph of a man, presumably a ghostbuster ]
Now, I want to grow up to be as happy as I was when I was 7.

Y'know, there's a lot of truth to that. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, about what I'm going to do with my life, about happiness. About contentment. About stagnancy and compliance, and about letting the world turn without me for a while. I just don't know...graduation is quickly approaching, and I still don't have any plans. Nothing at all.

Part of me wants to give up, to move back to Jersey and find a job there, and live near my family, near the familiar places, the familiar people, and just live a modest, but maybe happy life. Part of me dreads it. That part wants to go back there only when I have to, and to be a lone pillar in the wind-scarred plains of the world. To be that interesting person, like my Uncle Russel is, the only one of my close relatives to move out of the state, to North Carolina. He opened an architect firm, found a loving wife, and has two successful children. I have seen him maybe four times in my entire life.

The funny thing is, the song popped into my head in the first place because of the beans Jason was pouring into the pot.

I've decided to start a new, fairly unstructured series called "My Thoughts On..." which will be about my perspective on a certain subject, without being philosophy. And be warned, I might make you think as well.

For example, let's talk about the ever-nasty topic of racism. I'll begin by asking you a few questions. Fell free to speak your answers, raise your hand or otherwise participate.

Is the following image racist?


What if it were coupled with these two images?




Did your answer change? Why? If you said the first image was racist, where I white woman was holding a black woman by the chin, would the third image also be racist, where the black woman is threateningly pinning the white woman?

If you're wondering where these pictures came from, they're from a series of PSP billboards which were taken down because of complaints that the first one was racist. Click here for the page a linked to the images from, as well as an article which seems to think the first of the series is racially offensive.

Now, how about we look at something a bit different. Is the word "nigger" racist? What if a black man says it? What if I say it jokingly?

How about giving it some context then. Is this sentence racist?

"the only way you hang is by the neck nigga"

What if it was spoken by Method Man in his song "Bring the Pain." What if Mindless Self Indulgence said it in their cover of the song?

Finally, Penny Arcade makes a great point about racism, especially in reference to Resident Evil 5 (which caused some controversy) with this comic:


Enough asking questions, here are my thoughts on the matter: Racism is about intention. The word is defined as Discrimination or prejudice based on race. Discrimination and prejudice are about intention, and lead to action. While some actions may indicate a prejudice, others may not, or might be ambiguous on the subject. Looking at those ads, if you only saw the first one, maybe it is intended to be racist, but when you look at it with the other two it probably isn't. The same with the song lyrics - out of context they probably are, but in context they probably aren't.

I once wrote a piece about how a word's power is given by the listener, not the speaker. It's true y'know. I think that people need to be less sensitive about issues regarding race, hell, about everything. Chances are it is not the intention to offend anyone, especially with a marketing campaign. Especially with a commercial product like Resident Evil 5. That's just bad business.

Now, maybe it's easy for me to say, being a white boy from the suburbs, but it bears some truth. Those who honestly hate people because of their race are becoming fewer, or at least I truly hope and want to believe, and in order for us, as a people, to get over it completely we both need to stop causing it and to stop being offended by it.

Besides, people give you plenty of better reasons to hate them than race.

I've been thinking for a while about a two phenomenon I've noticed around the world which seem a bit off, so without further adieu, Whiteboard Battles:

Whiteboard battles are not nearly as interesting as they may sound. Y'see, we have a whiteboard in our dining area nailed to one of the walls. It serves as a method of communicating "important" messages to one another as well as for general dicking around. The items written on it range from informative to dongtacular, but the most interesting (in my mind) are the agitated, argumentative pieces written at (or often in response to) another member of the house. After a few get going back and forth, I consider it an official battle, the winner being the one who first realizes that both parties are dipshits and moves on.

The reason I find the "whiteboard battle" phenomenon so interesting is because the two members of the often heated argument live with one another, and are often in contact and close proximity fairly regularly. This confuses me for one profound reason: Why not just discuss the "issue" in person? It's a hell of a lot quicker and I'd imagine less embarrassing. Reading the messages is like reading posts on a forum, starting with a troll who has a maybe-resembling-valid complaint but states it in what simply must be an intentionally inflammatory manner (because if it isn't intended to be inflammatory he must not understand English) and digressing into swearing, fo-counter points and general unpleasantness, all in a public space where everyone else can see it. To put is simply, it's a dick waving contest, and it's embarrassing, almost painful to watch.

So, why does this take place on a marker board instead of in person? I'd say that it's a more familiar format for arguing in this house, and in many cases that could be true. As an example, Jason, who's particularly susceptible to these sorts of things, is a known ex-forum junkie. Tom, who is currently engaging Jason (hopefully because he realizes he's making Jason humiliate himself publicly, but probably not), on the other hand, has probably never actually posted on a forum, ever. Maybe like once, but even that's doubtful. This makes that argument sketchy at best. Maybe it's because it's easier to "stand up to someone" (as I'm sure they both think they're doing, see dick wagging contest) indirectly, and they're both embracing this easier method, for sake of convenience or cowardice. I'm not really sure. I guess I'll keep pondering this one for a bit, at least until the current engagement ends.

One to the second issue I've been considering - Feel-Better Causes:

I've received a lot of invites to Facebook groups promoting causes like "save the hungry" or "prevent child rape." I refuse to join any of them - not because I like kids getting raped mind, but because they are a sham. By joining this cause you are doing nothing to help the starving, you aren't stopping kids from getting raped! You're feeling better about yourself for caring. Sure, it's nice to say that I care about children and their un-raped status, but, and be honest here, do you think about it on a daily basis? Do you think at any point "Hey, I really aught to do something to stop children from being raped. That's a horrible thing happening in this world, and I honestly want to make a difference?" No, you don't! And neither do I. Y'know why? Because we don't actually care. If we did, we'd do something about it. We'd at least think of doing something about it. Sure, we think it's a horrible thing, but we don't, in earnest, care.

So, these "causes." These "click a link and be added to a list of people who think child rape is horrible" "causes." They're just another way for you to feel all happy and fuzzy inside even though you aren't doing a damn thing. "But hey, I'm doing my part by not raping kids!" Yeah, sure you are buddy, nooone accused you of anything, but I'm glad you made that clear. Uh huh. But you aren't going near my kids*.

So, why do people insist on feeling good about themselves when they are actually lazy, worthless shits doing nothing to make the world a better place, or even to improve their own situations in many cases? Here's a new flash folks: feeling bad about yourself is a healthy, natural response to being a worthless fuckwit, and instead of using the band-aid solution of joining stupid causes, signing worthless petitions or whatever, you should actually do something to improve at least your own life. You'll feel better. Really.

And that's what I've been thinking of lately. Now you see why I hate thinking.

*At the time of writing I do not have children.

So, I've got this paper for my film class. It was due today, and it's late. I almost finished it and handed it in today, but I knew it was shit, and I would rather get a little marked off for it being a day late than a lot marked off for having apparently wiped my ass with a keyboard to produce it.

Anyway, said paper sucks. I love Prof. Millsap's classes, but he makes us do a lot of writing. I don't mind writing, I really don't, but I have other classes, and jobs on top of that. It takes a good chunk of time which I would otherwise allocate to other things.

I pitched an idea to my boss yesterday, and he was okay with it. I'm stoked. My next iPhone project is going to be a bucket of fun, no doubt about it. I had assembled a prototype of the game beforehand to help with the pitch, and even had a "before your own eyes" demonstration where I added a new area in just a few minutes to illustrate the versatility of the code and the ease of level design. I'll post more about the project when I can, but at the moment it's all hush-hush like.

My Testing Center schedule is also weird this week, mostly because I have to be in on Saturday. I work Thursday/Friday/Sat, and that means I'm strangely at-home today and tomorrow. I'm good with it.

And that's that, I guess. Still got another two pages to write for this paper, so...yup, time to finish it up!

So, I'm riding the metro home on Friday, and I get a call. So I answer it. And after approx. 14 seconds, it gets cut off. So I call them back, and again, 16 seconds in it cuts it. Third time's the charm, right? Wrong. 19 seconds in and it did it again.

The phone constantly froze, the display flashing white, then reset itself. It became completely unusable. An apparently common problem if the forums online are any judge. Apparently the Razr V3 is shit.

Anyway, I was without phone on Friday, and on Saturday went down to the Verizon Wireless place and asked them. The lady (technician) took one look at the phone and pretty much said it was fucked. She gave me a few options: Buy a new phone at full price (absolutely not possible), buy a replacement phone for $50 (same model) or transfer my number to my old phone (top pick). Being an idiot, I forgot my old phone at home, but conveniently enough there is a way to transfer a number from one device to another over the phone. Crazy, right?

So, I walked home and tried it. No deal. It transferred me to Verizon's tech support, who I admit I was pretty impressed with, and they tried a few things and told me it'd be best to bring the phone on-site and try it. I didn't have time to walk all the way back down there, so I waited.

D&D that night lead to me getting to sleep at 5, up at 11. So, I get down to Verizon at around 1, and they tell me that my old phone's model is no longer supported. Well shit. So I coughed up the fifty and got a replacement. I'm not due for an upgrade until January, which is fine.

The thing is, I actually kinda liked not having a phone. It was annoying and frustrating when I needed to call someone, but that happened like once. It was...refreshing. My mind was clearer and more on-task because of it. I think I might go with my once-a-month "no phone day" thing after all.

Of course I'm being cynical. As happy and fulfilling life is, it really isn't. But, there is good news:

Today, my first iPhone game for VG Ware Tech was released! This marks not only my first release for this company, but also my first release commercial game ever. EVER. Which is insane. I am very excited, and have been promoting it on all fronts, having placed it on my personal site, my dev blog, and now here: CLICK ON THESE WORDS TO BE MAGICALLY WARPED TO iTUNES AND LAND ON THE GAME'S PAGE. The name of the game is SpaceFighter3D, and is selling as a Tier 1 game for $.99, but I personally guarantee a whole dollar's worth of fun.

Back to the personasphere, my life has, of late, been a hectic jamming of school, work (at the testing center), work (at VG Ware Tech), and programming (for Team Playground). Throw into the mix sleep, eating and transportation (both on metro/bike and via Gabe) and you've got a pretty accurate depiction of the past month of my life.

But then, there's that one afternoon. Y'see, I've implemented a program, originally intended to give me the free time to go to Games Workshop and play Warhammer, to set aside either one entire day, or, if time is particularly tight, one entire afternoon per week to nothing. Nothing at all. The goal is that nothing of any usable value is accomplished. Not working towards any goal, not doing anything unpleasant. I've been using it to play Banjo-Kazooie on Project64, which I almost beat. I've used it to sit around, to bike, to play my bass...anything that I was doing solely because I wanted to. And, as expected, productivity has increased overall because of it. My motivation gauge has a chance to replenish, and therefore I am more motivated and more on-task the rest of the week, which actually means I get more done than I would have had I worked that day. Marvelous.

Time has been racing by though. Like a friggen bullet. Like a racecar. Like a jet airplane. Like one-hundred-million babies with jetpacks.

...not really like that last one, actually.

Alright kids, time for another episode of Things that Piss Me Off, this time on the board: The term "Grassroots."

Grassroots, according to the single most definitive source for information, is a "movement...driven by the politics of a community." The first time I'd heard the term was during the 2008 campaigns, although Wikipedia dates its origin to 1912.

Akin to the destruction of the term "maverick," which was so hackneyed during the last three months of campaigning that it is completely unusable for the next decade, "grassroots" has been popping up again and again as a positive adjective for politicalesque movements (both traditional and bowel) since its initial usage around a year ago. And it's getting fucking old.

I mean really guys, find another fucking word. You use the same term over and over and fucking over again like it's going out of style - and because of this, it is. I'm at the point where I could read "A group of scientists engaged in a grassroots movement to cure AIDs, cancer and Parkinson's have achieved complete success" and still walk away with a disgusted twinge. Just typing the word is irritating to me.

There are some words you use a lot. There are others which you use very scarcely at best. For example, I could walk around all day and remark on how this or that is red, and the word "red" would never get annoying. If I were to type the word "crimson" twice on the same page it would feel ridiculous.

I donno, maybe I'm too nit-picky about overused words, maybe I'm just a bitter prick, but I can't stand hearing or reading this anymore. If all of the media would cease and desist immediately with the use of the term "grassroots" I would be very appreciative.

I have been filled with UNSPEAKABLE RAGE</fixedwidth> at the discovery that Unity iPhone Basic license does not allow use of the completely implemented Application.OpenURL function I'd need to link the "lite" version of my game to the app store page for the full version. Hopefully, hopefully, there's a way to do this without violating the terms of the license (and in this case I deem the license unjust and would have no qualms about violating it), especially considering the upgrade to the Unity iPhone Advanced license is a whopping $2400. Which is ludicrous if I only really need this one feature.

I will give them that the advanced license does much more than allow opening the browser and visiting URLs from in-game, but those are features we don't need and pretty certainly can't afford.

I've posted on the Unity forums about it, both seeking a workaround and calling out the Unity team on their nonsense. Hopefully something will come up about it. It had darn better.

Tags: programming, rants, work

It all started a couple of days ago, on my Grandmom's birthday. I called her that evening, as it was a Friday and I worked in the morning and then had class. I called around 6 when I got home. She was between casinos, as my grandmom often is. I asked her how her day was, and she said it was all okay except for one thing that made her so happy; my brother surprised her with a visit that morning. Drove up there himself in my dad's car, even brought flowers. They sat for an hour and talked and had coffee, then he left.

Two things happened in me at once upon hearing this. I was very proud of my brother, of how mature and independent he was becoming, that he'd think to do that and that he'd make our grandmom so happy. But at the same time, I felt like I was unable to do the same, in indeed I am. Even if I had managed to get off of work, skip class and pay for train tickets home, I'd've never managed to get to my grandmom's house alone, and in fact I've only ever spoken to her one on one once. My grandfather even less than that. They are both people I admire and respect, and I don't know how much longer I have with them. Those three naive, childish words rung through my mind, "It's not fair."

I suppose that's very human. I don't like it though. By now, my calloused bitterness towards the world should have extended to such petty, idealistic concepts as fairness. Apparently it hasn't though. I guess it's still mostly focused on women and relationships.

Fast forward to yesterday, I get an email from my boss. Marshall can't work Saturday the 8th, as he has a family function to attend. Nestor is out the country. It is also the day of a big religious ceremony she's been working up to, and she, for obvious reasons, cannot come in. "Sure," I replied, "I can work that day. Don't worry about it." Needless to say she was grateful, but I really didn't care. It's not like I do anything on the weekends anyway.

And then the culmination. It's arranged like a story. My mom is talking to me, telling me she misses me and that I should come home. I responded as I always do, that I miss everyone and that I wish I could come home more often. It's rehearsed, but it's in earnest. Then she tells me she's serious, I should come home next weekend for my Grandfather's birthday. It's the weekend I agreed to work. 'Shit,' I think, 'I have to work. Maybe if it's Sunday...' but no, his birthday is the 8th. The day I agreed to work. The day when there was no alternative to me working, because heaven forbid someone else at this school learn how to operate the Testing Center. Motherfucker. My mind is frantic, not for any real reason I can discern. There is no emergency. It's two weeks in the future, there's not even a time pressure. I start finding ways to make it happen. I'd talk to Milo, I'd get the Testing Center closed. I'd take a train Friday night, after class, and make it home by nightfall. I'd find the money somehow, I'd ask my dad for it if I had to. I'd be there. It was the most important thing in the world. It was the pinnacle of my existence, the only purpose I had in life. Anything and everything else could be lost, discarded or destroyed in the process should the need arise.

And then my mom told me to calm down, that it was silly of her to suggest it, that she understood, that everyone would understand. They'd understand that I can't. That I am unable.

There's not a lot that really gets to me anymore, there's not much people can say or do to really bother me. Jason tried, God knows he throws everything he has into it, but he's never managed. And that alone, have a dedicated source of attempts without a single success, that says it all. But...but this did. I can't be there. I don't have the money, I don't have the means, and I have other responsibilities. It was almost crushing.

Why? Was it some competitive instinct to show up my brother by surprising my grandfather with my presence only a few weeks later and from much farther away? Maybe, maybe, but I doubt it. I don't hold my brother in contempt, I don't feel any need to compete with him. It may have been part of it, but it wasn't the cause. Was it then some fear of not seeing him again? Of relinquishing my last chance and living with regret? No, no, while it's true that I fear that, I don't think that was it. I think it was the inability. The inadequacy. The same feeling I get when I have to bum a ride with someone, because if I don't I can't go to where I need to be. The fact that I'm not self-sufficient. The feeling which drives me to try and get a license, despite my clear lack of resources to even consider getting a car. It's this horrible frustration, an uphill battle which I cannot hope to win anytime soon, but I cannot back away from.

I'm sick of it, I really am. I don't know where to go from here, but fuck if I'm staying where I am. I guess I'll go get a permit this weekend, sit on it for a month and try for my license. Fat lot of good it'll do me, but it can't hurt. What else to do? I really can't say. I guess I'll come up with something. As I have said before and firmly believe, it is not only foolish to accept a bad situation, but it is unethical to not attempt to better yourself.

I've been in the mood for writing a lot lately, although I can't help but think that everything I write is crap. I've been a bit nervous about submitting anything to dA ever since they changed the button to say "Submit Art." I'd be hard pressed to present evidence suggesting anything I've written is art.

In addition to that, I've been making a game engine. A simple one. A proprietary one for Team Playground's RPG. It's a Pun-tastic RPG, apparently. We met with a man named Adolfo yesterday to discuss his helping us with art and becoming a member of the team on a probationary period of "if it works out after this project you're in" kinda thing. He seemed pretty competent, and definitely skilled at drawing. Let's see how he is when it comes to sprites.

The ASB's been more active lately, which I like but which takes up another chunk of my time. Time is a magical thing which hates me, so it seems.

Then there's work (both of them), and those are going pretty well. My first iPhone game is a hop, skip and a jump from completion, which is exciting. The Testing Center is, and always will be. Our database project has hit a few hangups, but in general is coming along.

I haven't been writing here a lot since I have been writing elsewhere a lot. A lot of my thoughts and feelings are being expressed elsewhere. I don't want to say that I have nothing to write, but recounting factual events doesn't do much for me.

For instance, I bought a Nerf gun last night. They're a bit too much fun. I went out last Saturday night and played Texas Hold 'Em with Roxy and associates. Her brother, the legendary Darius, was present. He attained legendary status thanks to how Roxy talks about him. I'm considering going to Games Workshop this weekend. I bought a PSP and Guilty Gear Accent Core Plus for it. I've been playing with a demo of the OLE Coordinate System which powers Echochrome. I've been having a merry time.

I've been very lonely.

I've been indulging my past lately in the depths of none other than Banjo-Kazooie, one of the best N64 games I've played, or so I remembered it as. I started it this morning on Project64 because I (stupidly) decided not to bring my actual N64 and copy of the game back to VA with me (they are currently collecting dust in my room in NJ).

Good news: Project64 works great! More good news: The game runs near-perfectly! Even more good news: It's still fun!!

Yeah, that's right, Banjo-Kazooie wasn't only an entertaining platformer with a great soundtrack and above-average wit when I was young, it is still an entertaining platformer with a great soundtrack and above-average wit! I completed Mumbo's Mountain this morning, and then got a bit further into Grunty's lair. I love this game!

And on the topic of the game's masterful soundtrack, I'll probably be posting bass tabs of some of the songs on here (since I have nowhere else to post them). First one'll be Glitter Glutch Mine (from Banjo-Tooie I believe), as all I'm lacking from it is half of the bridge. Fun and good-sounding song to play. I might also see if Tom'd be game to help me make a guitar/bass duet of it, seeing as how the song kinda lends itself to that sorta thing. Or maybe if Sovey's game we could do a battling bass version of it. Oooh, the possibilities!

That's all for now kids. I've gotta get to work.

Sleepy day, sleepy weekend. I'm not sure what's up with that. Very...sleepy. I think I lost my momentum, and the trip to NJ finally hit me. I really didn't sleep then. One would almost think I tired not to sleep. So maybe that's why it's been such a sleepy weekend.

I've still been working on Guilty Gear Isuka, but I'd really like for X2 #Reload to get here, as it's much more...typical of the series. Although it doesn't have A.B.A...which sucks.

Now I'm considering a bike ride down to the mall/surrounding stores, not really for anything in particular, just to get out somewhere. It's a good route, and I could use some outdoors. I've really been considering picking up a PSP, and there are several games I'd like for one, but at the moment I just can't afford it...this is life. Hopefully the price'll drop when the new PSP comes out and I can pick up a used, extra-cheap old PSP for a little under $100. That'd be kinda sweet.

I'm really looking forward to Mike and Sara's approaching visit. Like, a lot. A whole lot.

I was gonna go to Games Workshop this weekend, but I just felt so tired and crappy the whole time, I didn't bother. That and my massive social phobia. But mostly the being tired part, I'm sure.

Holy friggen crap, this CARD405 class (CAReer Development 405) is worse than I ever thought. The professor is almost insufferable. Ugh!

Onto the bright side, Mike & Sara are coming down IN ONE WEEEEEEEEEK! I'm quite excited about this, in case you didn't get that from the above. Like, very excited.

Also, Guilty Gear Isuka came in yesterday, and tonight I'll stop by Radio Shack to pick up a second USB Controller to allow for 2 player awesomeness! (Although really it goes up to 4 players). It's a bit different than the others I'd played, but it's good. The most annoying part is that there's a "turn around" button, which is needed in 3- or 4-player matches, but it'd be nice if it automatically turned in 1 on 1. Also, there are two planes of combat, which is cool I guess.

And finally...I'm out.